I'll have some respect with a side of reverence please.

ALERT - If you go to church with me and are offended easily, grab your steel-toed shoes, your toes may be in danger. ;)

Ok,  first of all, I'm not a parent.  I understand that fact and know that it prevents me from being an expert on the topic at hand.  However, I myself had a great set of parents and what I like to call, a structured, old-fashioned upbringing.  For example: "You can't date until you can drive", "If you put it on your plate, you eat it", "Children are to be seen, not heard", "You can wear makeup when you can buy it", "Don't sit your Bible on the floor" and "Never run in church".  Which brings me to the reason for this ranting blog.

I know there are things that I was taught growing up that aren't necessarily the norm for parents to teach their kids today.  I understand that times are different and parenting styles have adapted to the ever-changing world we live in.  I also know that God never changes; He is Holy, All-Powerful, Omnipotent, and worthy of all we can give - our time, talents, affection, love, praise, adoration and reverence.  I'm not sure when it happened, but somewhere along the line, someone forgot to teach the meaning of reverence.  I learned it as respect.  When you come before God, you address Him with respect, when you go to His house to worship, you conduct yourself with respect.  You don't run, scream, wrestle or cause disruption to others.  You don't sit and whisper during the sermon.  You respect His house & you honor Him with your actions.  

I enjoy hearing the laughter of children filling the church.  I enjoy seeing the smiling faces of the next generation in the halls and sanctuary.  I know that Jesus said "let the children come to me."  And I know that some of the things I was taught growing up may have been a little over the top.  But when I was nearly pushed over in the hall at church today as 3 tweens chased each other at top speed, and as I stepped over 2 boys wrestling with each other over a bean bag in the hallway after service, it took everything in me not to find a parent and request that they discipline their child.  I thought about saying something to the children (because if that were me at that age, an adult would have jerked me around and marched me straight to my parents), but I didn't.  I'm terrified that I'll upset someone because they've chosen an alternate form of raising their children that lacks true discipline or worse, they haven't taught their children about respect at all.

So here I sit... blogging about the topic, hoping that it will encourage those who are parents to remind their children that God deserves our best.  Our  best attitude, actions, words, and respect - not only in our everyday life, but on Sunday at His house too. 

Have you met My God??

"You're problem is just too big for this weekend."

I can still hear her words.  She didn't mean to be hateful, or to crush my spirit.  She just honestly did not know how to help and instead of just sitting with me while I prayed, she tried to talk me through it.  What she failed to do, was acknowledge that God is all-powerful, all-knowing, and totally in control. 

I was on a weekend retreat, away from all distractions, totally focused on my relationship with God.  I was 16 and had just learned that my mom was dying of stage 4 pancreatic cancer.  I knew it would take nothing short of a miracle for her healing and I had waited all weekend to lay my problem at the foot of the cross.  It was late, our prayer time was coming to a close, and I had some things to discuss with my Lord.

I don't remember her name, but I know she was one of the leaders of the weekend.  She stood by my side and asked why I was crying.  I briefly explained my situation to which she responded with the statement above.  I'm sure she didn't mean that my problem was too big for God... she just wanted me to wrap it up because she did not know how to respond to something so tragic.

I still thank God that I was much too mature to think that He was not in control.  That I knew better than to believe her comment.  That I had been taught, and truly believed that nothing was too big for God.  He has no time constraints, no deadlines and His Will is perfect.  I can come to Him anytime, anywhere and He is there, ready to listen to my heart.  As soon as the words left her lips, my human nature wanted to tell her a thing or two.  But I didn't, I just thanked her for her concern and asked her if I could continue praying alone.

To this day, I think about those words.  I think about what God has brought me to, and through in my time here and I am blessed by His constant presence in my life.  I want to encourage any of you who may struggle with wondering where God is in the midst of your problems.  He is right there.  He holds this world, and your life in His hands and there is NOTHING that is too big for Him. 

I don't know where this girl was in her relationship with the Lord, and that is none of my business.  But I do know that My God works all things together for the good of those who love Him and who are called according to His purpose.  That My God is the beginning and the end and that My God loves me.  I pray that you, no matter what your circumstance, will know that He loves you, He holds you and He has a plan for you.

Making Excuses

Sometimes it's hard not to notice just how much I've changed.  I look back at the shell of a person I used to be, and I can't help but thank God for constantly filling me & molding me into the woman I am today.

I've mentioned him before, the nameless individual who occupied most of my teenage years and on into my early twenties.  I was smitten by him, and that's putting it mildly.  It didn't matter what sort of emotional abuse he put me through, (and yes, ladies, don't sugar coat it, mind games & manipulation is MOST definitely abuse) I would always find a way to justify his actions... sometimes even going to such lengths as putting words in his mouth.  I didn't want anyone around me to see how much it hurt me; I didn't even want to admit it myself.  I would  convince myself that the harsh words, the neglect & the lack of emotion were all because he had a bad day or worse, the result of something I had done wrong.

I would tell stories to my family and friends to try to make him look better.  Granted, some were true... let's face it, if he were a jerk all the time, I'd like to think I wouldn't have stayed with him so long.  But for the most part, they were fictional stories.  Little anecdotes that I would concoct to give the illusion that he had expressed genuine love for me.  I'd say that we had plans, most of the time not knowing if we did or not, but hoping that he would call.  I'd sit alone in my car for hours... wasting my life, hoping he would change his mind about wanting to see me.  I'd call him, only to be ridiculed for wasting so much time.  I'd yell and cry and try to argue my point... most of the time to no avail.  I'd plan things with his family members, hoping he would see how much I wanted to be with him, only to be ignored again.  Then it hit me... why would I ever want to be with someone that I had to talk into loving me??

You can judge if you want to... me, my husband, and my family (who could see the truth all along) have all had a good laugh about it every now and then.  We were young and because of God's grace, time has changed us both.  I wish him well, this nameless ex, and I hope that I helped make him better for the next one.  In the words of Missy Higgins - "She will love him more than I could, she who dares to stand where I stood."

Recycled Words

This little thought is taken from my old myspace blog:

I've been thinking which I guess is what most people do before they post a blog.  I've been seriously cotemplating the phrase:

I would die for you.

We hear it all the time.  In music, movies and we even say it sometimes. 
But, how do we mean it??

I've decided that when we hear or say this phrase we automatically assume or mean an actual, physical death.  Like we love someone enough we would jump in front of a bullet for them.  Granted, that concept alone is a little far-fetched.  I mean, I love my friends but there are a select few whom I would jump in front of a bullet for. Chances are we all feel that same way deep down.  It's just human nature.  Our survival instincts are selfish and only the people who are part of the very core of our being can overshadow that selfishness.

That being said, I've come up with a new meaning of the above phrase.  My thought is that most of us have never considered the concept of dying for someone this intensely before, atleast I know I haven't.  So here are my "definitions":

I WOULD DIE FOR YOU.

1.)  I would physically surrender my life so that you may continue to live yours.

or

2.)  I am sacrificing who I am.  I am letting go of everything that has made me and I am allowing you to take over.  I am giving up those things that I thought made me complete and counting on you to fill that void.  I am saying goodbye to who I once was, completely and totally, just to be with you.  That which makes up who I am, the very soul of me... I am handing it over.  I am dying for you.

Almost spiritual isn't it?

Now, how many people would you really DIE for???

~~ Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. ~~
2 Corinthians 5:17

A Different Kind of Pinocchio

I know exactly where it came from but I still blame my mother.  I remember when I was barely old enough to walk, she would take me with her to prayer group.  I would sit on the floor and play while she and several other ladies would pray for each other, their children and their families.  Some years later, my mother told me they prayed for me to have a 'spirit of discernment'.  Thanks, Mom.  I'm still learning just how involved that particular request was.

I've never really 'fit in'.  It doesn't matter the situation; the truth is, deep down, I never feel like I belong.  Sure, I had great friends growing up and we made amazing memories but I was always the 'responsible' one.  The one who thought things through, who wouldn't take risks or compromise my standards because something sounded 'fun'.  I wasn't a social outcast, I just never felt like I was fully invested.  My inner 'Jiminy Cricket' would drive me bananas and I would turn tail and run from just about everything that was in the gray area of life.  I still do.

This doesn't mean that I always do the right thing.  Oh, absolutely not!  It just means I live in a black and white world.  I can look at a situation and immediately know right from wrong.  I can meet someone and within the first minute I have analyzed their character and determined their true intentions.  I'm intuitive, insightful & chocked full of wisdom.  It's increasingly frustrating & it constantly wreaks havoc on my social life.  I don't know how to be a normal woman.  I don't know how to pick clothes or discuss men or accesorize.  I try, oh boy, do I try.  But I'm never comfortable, I'm always out of my element & I leave wondering if I've made a fool of myself, again.  I'm insecure in every moment because my mind is already 1,000 steps ahead, thinking and planning and knowing right from wrong.

This is a daily, current struggle for me.  I know discernment and wisdom are gifts from God.  I know that He has already allowed me to use these in powerful ways and that He brings people into my life who need His direction and guidance which I can provide.  But it's a lonely path I travel.  I wonder if anyone can relate?
My Jesus can.  He has walked these steps before and He knows the hardships of 'knowing'.  It is my prayer, for myself, that I will continue to be different, that I will embrace the gift that makes me odd and that God will keep right on using everything He has equipped me with.

What's My Name Again?

I wasn't supposed to be there. I had been specifically instructed NOT to go there, had even been threatened with infinite punishment but, let's be honest, when had that ever stopped me? I was in love with him. And I was going to see him no matter what. Granted, I wasn't going to be openly defiant. Oh no, I had a much more deceptive tactic. I would plan my day so precisely that no argument could be made. Perhaps the line was really long at the grocery. Or maybe the ATM was broken, or they didn't have the cereal we needed (at 4 different stores). I always had a story, backup plan, excuse... Whatever you wanna call it. I'm not stupid enough to think I actually got away with it, I'm sure my parents noticed my absence, but they never said anything. They probably just didn't want to hear me lie to them. Bottom line - if I was in town by myself, I was at his house. Always.

We weren't ever doing anything wrong. I mean, sure I wasn't supposed to be hanging out with him, excessively, unsupervised, but he was a good guy. He never 'took advantage' of me or tried to compromise my morals. I would just spend time with him. Watching whatever he was watching, listening to him talk endlessly of his interests, burying myself in everything that was him... Losing my own identity until there was just a sliver of Brittany left. Because that's what you do when you're in love, right?? It didn't matter that we may or may not have been 'together' at the time. Perhaps we each were dating someone else. But in my mind, one word justified it all. Love.

This same 'him' is going to show up alot in this blog. Mainly because he had my heart and identity for nearly a decade of my life. I did not marry him. But I am so very grateful for the years that God used him to teach me how to properly love. He was not who God had chosen for me to be a wife to. But he was the one God used to protect me from the corruption of this world at a time when I was most fragile.

Love lesson #1 - If your identity is found in anyone but Christ, eventually your world will come crashing down. Our God is a jealous God. He will not stand for anyone or anything to take His place in your life.
Love lesson #2 - If your parents don't approve, there is a good reason. Love (and even lust) can be unbelievably blinding, sometimes for an extended period of time. They're older, they've lived these same days and they know your games because they played them too. Experience breeds maturity so listen to their advice.

Silence.

Silence. Dead silence.

I softly stepped in

not wanting to disturb her.

Peaceful, she seemed but

that rattle, oh that rattle,

deep from within,

the haunter of a thousand dreams thereafter.

Yellow on once beautiful skin.

Tainted by the disease.

Still beautiful to me.

Eyes of concrete, once loving and life-filled

now affixed on something unseen

something in another world.

I sat. Now habit from countless

days before.

Hours spent here, now coming to a close.

I was here to say

Good-bye.

But I could not. Not a true Good-bye.

For we would meet again.

A touch from my hand, I waited

for the grip from the past.

It never came.

Speechless in the silence.

Angry? Not me.

For she was not angry.

A few words I spoke.

No regrets, no apologies.

Everything understood.

Just love.

The rain.  She loved the rain.

I stood, we could both hear the rain,

but she,

she was hearing it

for the last time.

Tears stung my eyes.

I kissed her forehead, she replied

a soft moan, drowned by that rattle.

Songs, laughter, joyful hearts gathered.

But at death? No, celebrating life.

We were there, joined by one hymnal,

bonded in one love,

saying farewell to one saint.

Surrounding her bed, we sang

her favorite songs, we talked

her favorite stories, we were

her favorite people.

Bittersweet.

The end had come along

with silence once again.

A jolt, change in breathing,

the silent killer that had sealed fate came in force

but we were ready.

Holding her hand, I waited.

Unwavering, right by her side.

Then death came.

Two breaths, two blinks,

one sigh of surrender and

a tear, one single tear

rolling silently out of her right eye down,

down as she completed her journey home.

The smile. Etched in my mind.

Unforgettable. Unexplainable.

A grin of victory.

She had seen Him.

And in that moment,

the smile came.

Silence. Dead silence.

But the angels sang.

And she joined them.

At 3:42am on August 15, 2002, God took my mother home to be with Him.  I wrote this poem 4 days later and it has served as a reminder of just how awesome He is.  God sustained me.  He used the inspirational faith of my mother, in her life and death to touch countless people but also to show me His power, grace and love.  I'll never truly understand why she had to go; I have certainly missed her everyday since.  But I trust that God has a divine plan. She reached the goal He had laid out for her and when she was done, He took her home.  I know she'd never come back, even if He gave her that chance, heaven is too great!!  But I will join her someday, I am certain.

I was blessed by her during her life, she was my rock, my protector and my best friend.  But I have been blessed in her passing as well.  God showed up, took her home & held my family in the palm of His hand.  It is my prayer that whenever you struggle, that you will know exactly where God is - already there, with His perfect will guiding your circumstance and His arms wrapped around you.

Christmas Everyday

I took a spiritual gifts survey today.  This is not so uncommon, I've probably taken a dozen of these in my lifetime, but today, I was honest with myself. I didn't respond to the statements based on who I want to be or some illusion I have of myself.  I responded according to exactly who I am, now, today. Just simple me.  (Side note - if you've never taken this survey, I recommend you do so, sooner rather than later.) 

I was quite surprised by the results. Apparently, my strongest area is Wisdom, followed closely by Discernment, Shepherding, Knowledge & Administration.  Hmmm... so I'm the wise old owl who can solve your problems and organize your budget at the same time??  I pondered it for a few minutes and decided... yep, that's exactly who I am.  Cataloged in my thinking, organized almost to the point of OCD, I see the world in black & white.  Not very many shades of gray when you're called to shepherd others.  Everyday I wake up with these gifts, and everyday God gives me the opportunity to use them according to His purpose and perfect will. 

So here I am.  My goal is to not to bore you to death with the intricate details of my existence thus far but instead, to share my life with you.  God has blessed me with a vast array of experiences in my short 26 years and has sustained me by His grace through it all.  Some stories are sweet & juicy, others a little sour, and some just downright sad but they have made me & continue to make me the woman God has designed me to be.  I hope you can learn from my experiences and perhaps sprinkle a little more of Jesus in your life through this blog. 

Praying for you in the days ahead,
Britt :)