What's My Name Again?

I wasn't supposed to be there. I had been specifically instructed NOT to go there, had even been threatened with infinite punishment but, let's be honest, when had that ever stopped me? I was in love with him. And I was going to see him no matter what. Granted, I wasn't going to be openly defiant. Oh no, I had a much more deceptive tactic. I would plan my day so precisely that no argument could be made. Perhaps the line was really long at the grocery. Or maybe the ATM was broken, or they didn't have the cereal we needed (at 4 different stores). I always had a story, backup plan, excuse... Whatever you wanna call it. I'm not stupid enough to think I actually got away with it, I'm sure my parents noticed my absence, but they never said anything. They probably just didn't want to hear me lie to them. Bottom line - if I was in town by myself, I was at his house. Always.

We weren't ever doing anything wrong. I mean, sure I wasn't supposed to be hanging out with him, excessively, unsupervised, but he was a good guy. He never 'took advantage' of me or tried to compromise my morals. I would just spend time with him. Watching whatever he was watching, listening to him talk endlessly of his interests, burying myself in everything that was him... Losing my own identity until there was just a sliver of Brittany left. Because that's what you do when you're in love, right?? It didn't matter that we may or may not have been 'together' at the time. Perhaps we each were dating someone else. But in my mind, one word justified it all. Love.

This same 'him' is going to show up alot in this blog. Mainly because he had my heart and identity for nearly a decade of my life. I did not marry him. But I am so very grateful for the years that God used him to teach me how to properly love. He was not who God had chosen for me to be a wife to. But he was the one God used to protect me from the corruption of this world at a time when I was most fragile.

Love lesson #1 - If your identity is found in anyone but Christ, eventually your world will come crashing down. Our God is a jealous God. He will not stand for anyone or anything to take His place in your life.
Love lesson #2 - If your parents don't approve, there is a good reason. Love (and even lust) can be unbelievably blinding, sometimes for an extended period of time. They're older, they've lived these same days and they know your games because they played them too. Experience breeds maturity so listen to their advice.

Silence.

Silence. Dead silence.

I softly stepped in

not wanting to disturb her.

Peaceful, she seemed but

that rattle, oh that rattle,

deep from within,

the haunter of a thousand dreams thereafter.

Yellow on once beautiful skin.

Tainted by the disease.

Still beautiful to me.

Eyes of concrete, once loving and life-filled

now affixed on something unseen

something in another world.

I sat. Now habit from countless

days before.

Hours spent here, now coming to a close.

I was here to say

Good-bye.

But I could not. Not a true Good-bye.

For we would meet again.

A touch from my hand, I waited

for the grip from the past.

It never came.

Speechless in the silence.

Angry? Not me.

For she was not angry.

A few words I spoke.

No regrets, no apologies.

Everything understood.

Just love.

The rain.  She loved the rain.

I stood, we could both hear the rain,

but she,

she was hearing it

for the last time.

Tears stung my eyes.

I kissed her forehead, she replied

a soft moan, drowned by that rattle.

Songs, laughter, joyful hearts gathered.

But at death? No, celebrating life.

We were there, joined by one hymnal,

bonded in one love,

saying farewell to one saint.

Surrounding her bed, we sang

her favorite songs, we talked

her favorite stories, we were

her favorite people.

Bittersweet.

The end had come along

with silence once again.

A jolt, change in breathing,

the silent killer that had sealed fate came in force

but we were ready.

Holding her hand, I waited.

Unwavering, right by her side.

Then death came.

Two breaths, two blinks,

one sigh of surrender and

a tear, one single tear

rolling silently out of her right eye down,

down as she completed her journey home.

The smile. Etched in my mind.

Unforgettable. Unexplainable.

A grin of victory.

She had seen Him.

And in that moment,

the smile came.

Silence. Dead silence.

But the angels sang.

And she joined them.

At 3:42am on August 15, 2002, God took my mother home to be with Him.  I wrote this poem 4 days later and it has served as a reminder of just how awesome He is.  God sustained me.  He used the inspirational faith of my mother, in her life and death to touch countless people but also to show me His power, grace and love.  I'll never truly understand why she had to go; I have certainly missed her everyday since.  But I trust that God has a divine plan. She reached the goal He had laid out for her and when she was done, He took her home.  I know she'd never come back, even if He gave her that chance, heaven is too great!!  But I will join her someday, I am certain.

I was blessed by her during her life, she was my rock, my protector and my best friend.  But I have been blessed in her passing as well.  God showed up, took her home & held my family in the palm of His hand.  It is my prayer that whenever you struggle, that you will know exactly where God is - already there, with His perfect will guiding your circumstance and His arms wrapped around you.

Christmas Everyday

I took a spiritual gifts survey today.  This is not so uncommon, I've probably taken a dozen of these in my lifetime, but today, I was honest with myself. I didn't respond to the statements based on who I want to be or some illusion I have of myself.  I responded according to exactly who I am, now, today. Just simple me.  (Side note - if you've never taken this survey, I recommend you do so, sooner rather than later.) 

I was quite surprised by the results. Apparently, my strongest area is Wisdom, followed closely by Discernment, Shepherding, Knowledge & Administration.  Hmmm... so I'm the wise old owl who can solve your problems and organize your budget at the same time??  I pondered it for a few minutes and decided... yep, that's exactly who I am.  Cataloged in my thinking, organized almost to the point of OCD, I see the world in black & white.  Not very many shades of gray when you're called to shepherd others.  Everyday I wake up with these gifts, and everyday God gives me the opportunity to use them according to His purpose and perfect will. 

So here I am.  My goal is to not to bore you to death with the intricate details of my existence thus far but instead, to share my life with you.  God has blessed me with a vast array of experiences in my short 26 years and has sustained me by His grace through it all.  Some stories are sweet & juicy, others a little sour, and some just downright sad but they have made me & continue to make me the woman God has designed me to be.  I hope you can learn from my experiences and perhaps sprinkle a little more of Jesus in your life through this blog. 

Praying for you in the days ahead,
Britt :)