Making Excuses

Sometimes it's hard not to notice just how much I've changed.  I look back at the shell of a person I used to be, and I can't help but thank God for constantly filling me & molding me into the woman I am today.

I've mentioned him before, the nameless individual who occupied most of my teenage years and on into my early twenties.  I was smitten by him, and that's putting it mildly.  It didn't matter what sort of emotional abuse he put me through, (and yes, ladies, don't sugar coat it, mind games & manipulation is MOST definitely abuse) I would always find a way to justify his actions... sometimes even going to such lengths as putting words in his mouth.  I didn't want anyone around me to see how much it hurt me; I didn't even want to admit it myself.  I would  convince myself that the harsh words, the neglect & the lack of emotion were all because he had a bad day or worse, the result of something I had done wrong.

I would tell stories to my family and friends to try to make him look better.  Granted, some were true... let's face it, if he were a jerk all the time, I'd like to think I wouldn't have stayed with him so long.  But for the most part, they were fictional stories.  Little anecdotes that I would concoct to give the illusion that he had expressed genuine love for me.  I'd say that we had plans, most of the time not knowing if we did or not, but hoping that he would call.  I'd sit alone in my car for hours... wasting my life, hoping he would change his mind about wanting to see me.  I'd call him, only to be ridiculed for wasting so much time.  I'd yell and cry and try to argue my point... most of the time to no avail.  I'd plan things with his family members, hoping he would see how much I wanted to be with him, only to be ignored again.  Then it hit me... why would I ever want to be with someone that I had to talk into loving me??

You can judge if you want to... me, my husband, and my family (who could see the truth all along) have all had a good laugh about it every now and then.  We were young and because of God's grace, time has changed us both.  I wish him well, this nameless ex, and I hope that I helped make him better for the next one.  In the words of Missy Higgins - "She will love him more than I could, she who dares to stand where I stood."